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Our son Maxton was diagnosed with left-sided congenital diaphragmatic hernia (CDH) at his 19 week ultrasound. Maxton was born on 3/3/09 at Vanderbilt University. He fought hard for 18 days but earned his wings on 3/21/09. Maxton was an inspiration to many during his brief time on earth and has forever changed our lives. If your child is diagnosed with CDH, please feel free to contact us. Maxton may no longer live here on earth, but he will live forever in our hearts...

To start at the beginning of our story click here and scroll all the way to the bottom.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

2 months

I cannot believe that it has been 2 months since I lost my beautiful son. So much has changed in those 2 months, but not in the way I thought they would when I first found out I was expecting him. I figured by now I would be tired of changing diapers, but I only changed 1. I figured I would be tired of hearing him cry, but I only heard him cry once exactly 2 months ago. I figured I would be tired of picking him up everytime he cried, but I only held him once. Mothers, please cherish every moment you have with your little ones. I know that when I am blessed to have another child, I will certainly never take a moment for granted.. even the "not so fun" ones.

I am doing well. I have good days and bad days... days where every time I think of Maxton I get sad because I want him back here... and then days where everytime I think of Maxton I am happy because I had him in the first place and because in 18 days my life changed forever. It really is amazing how quickly things can change in your life. I am in a big period of change and trying to adjust to my new "normal". I wish that Maxton was here and I was adjusting to having a baby at home, but instead I am adjusting to the fact that there will always be an empty place in my heart, a place longing for the beautiful child that I was given, whom I will never see grow up. And you know what... that is okay. It is okay for me to continue living without him... it is okay for me to miss him everyday, because it will be something I will do forever. But it also okay to think of the future and the good things that it holds.. some of them because of Maxton and because of the change he has instilled in me. I am going to be working with The Parker Reese Foundation and I couldn't be happier about it. I am working on planning a few fundraisers for them right now... most will take place this winter and next Spring. I am excited about honoring my Maxton that way and I know he is excited about it to. I am also excited about Maxton's Memorable Moments... I have been working on a few projects for it. If you have a referral, please visit the page and email me the info. David and I have some other exciting things in the works as well. So, simply put, we are living.. we are doing the best we can, with the circumstances we are given.

To my Maxton~
I cannot believe it will have been 2 months tonight since I held you in my arms. I miss you and my arms still long to hold you. I know that my life is better, because of you. I almost feel guilty that God felt that I needed to be given you to teach me so much... like it was selfish of me in some way to need you as a gift. I know that you are watching over me and I feel your presence every day. I cannot imagine what heaven is like, but I know someday I will be there with you. I have been reading a book called 90 minutes in heaven and if it's description of heaven is accurate than I cannot wait to get there and hold you and sing praises to God with you! I truly feel blessed to have been your mother and to be able to call you mine. I love you sweetie and miss you everyday.
Mommy

6 comments:

Stephanie said...

Ashley,

You are so strong. Gosh I just admire you so much. I'm so proud of you for planning the fundraisers with the Parker Reese Foundation. They are so lucky to have you on their team.

Also, we received your package today. Oh my goodness, what a treat that was to open, after we got home from the MRI. Both signs just brought tears to my eyes, b/c of the thought that went behind both of them. Thank you so much. Hollie loves her sign, and I told her that we are going to put it in Kamryn's isolet, to let everyone know who her big sister is. We also received the bracelets, and I immediately put Maxton's on. I'm wearing it with pride, and will not take it off!!! I'm so lucky to be wearing it. Thank you so much for sending. I'm sending you and email right now...

Much love to you,
Stephanie

FaithCDH said...

Thinking of you today and often. Everything you are doing in Maxton's memory is amazing.

Remember that you are continuing to live with the light of Maxton on your shoulder. He is right there with you every step of the way.

Prayers to you and your hubby.

Love,

the Miles Family

Bethany said...

This has been my quote to live by ever since Jack died...

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is not to die." ~Thomas Campbell

Thinking of you,
Bethany

Ann said...

I am Kamryn Hope's Gammy, and I want you to know that I have frequently looked at your blog even after Maxton became an angel because it gives me some sense of peace in all of this. Shawn and Stephanie told me about your precious gifts. Thank you for finding a way to keep Maxton's spirit alive in helping others who are about to face the most difficult time in their lives. Know that Hollie LOVES her sign, and in the days and weeks ahead, it will help her to know that in a special way, she is with Kamryn because of your gift. The picture at the top of your blog of Maxton reminds of what a beautiful child he was and what a fighter. My prayers go out to you, and I so admire the positive route you have chosen to take in spite of your loss. God bless.. Ann Studdard

Chanda D Brady said...

I think of you often and am so amazed by your strength and ability to bring the beauty out of your experience.
You have a gift and it's awesome to see you using it to benefit others. ...also, good to see you haven't dropped off of the blogging world. Everyone dealing with a CDH diagnosis needs to see the good, bad and the ugly. It's a learning experience each time I click on someone else's site, I feel this connection and honestly, we need that.

Take care of yourself and I'm so glad to see that you are moving forward and embracing all the good in life. Chanda

lissaroo23 said...

so sorry you lost your beautiful son