A Whole Month

Tonight at 11:56pm it will have been one month since Maxton passed away. This is so crazy for me to think about. It seems like yesterday, but a lifetime ago. My heart aches for myself. I know that Maxton is in heaven playing with his new friends, but I am left here. I should be rejoicing that he is with God. I mean, that's my goal. To live my life so that I can be with God one day. Maxton is lucky. He isn't in pain and is certainly enjoying himself there. I cannot begin to imagine what heaven is like. I am so curious now. More curious than I have ever been. I am sure is getting into mischief and "flirting" with Addison, Ava, and Ryann and buddying up wiht Joseph and Kaden. I can only imagine the fun they are having. In a way, I am jealous. I wish I could be care free like they are.

The past few days have been a little rough for me. I just miss him and wish he could be here. I was thinking about the upcoming year and all the things Max will miss. I wonder if he is heaven thinking of all things I am missing up there because I am stuck down here. :-) It seems like every month there is soemthing that will make me think of him. May- mother's day; June- father's day/ conceived; July- found out we were pregnant, my birthday; October- diagnosed/Halloween; November- Thanksgiving; December- david's birthday/christmas... it just goes on. Not to mention every 3rd of the month i will think about how old he would be; every tuesday i think about the tuesday he was born; every saturday i think about when he dies; every 21st i think about when he died... it's crazy!!! That is alot of thinking and "anniversaries".

There has been some talk of me stopping following other blogs because it is too heartbreaking. I CANNOT do that. The other families are a part of my family to me. It's my new CDH family and I won't stop reading. I rejoice with each successful, positive thing. And my heart breaks with each family facing new struggles or the loss of their child. For those of you who arent CDH families, just because your baby lives, doesn't mean that things are all peachy. These babies often have many struggles to continue to overcome.

When I read about Kaden today I was pissed! I am so angry that someone else is where I was a month ago. How many more will their be! It is simply not fair and I am sick of it! 50% survival rate... that is ridiculous! In fact, all the babies that I have followed recently seem to be passing away! It makes me so ANGRY!!!! Kellie, Carter's mom, has created a blog. I encourage everyone to check it out. It is a new idea to spead awareness.

www.lettersforcdh.blogspot.com