Rambling On.

I am not able to sleep- again. I lay down and try to sleep but just can't get there. Too many things running through my head. I miss my baby boy. He would have been 5 weeks old tomorrow... Going into this, I knew something like this could happen. Of course, you have to believe that your baby will be in the 50% that survives, but there were days when I would think about "what if?" I am actually handling it better than I thought I would... most of the time anyways. It's just at night. At night I lay there and think.. I think about how soft he was, and how much I wanted to hold him- just pick him up from the hospital bed and run away with him. I think about the only time I really saw his eyes and how hard he was tryign to focus on me but couldn't. I think about the only time I heard him cry and really wish that he hadn't cried then. I think about all the dreams I had for him, like playing games with him. And how I wanted to bake cookies with him. And read to him. And how I wanted him to love music like me. And love to work out like David. We had so many plans for Max. I know that Max is in a better place and I know that he is at peace but I just can't let those plans go. I have so many images from him in the hospital that play through my mind... I want to see the good images, not the bad ones, but for some reason it's like my mind is on replay of that last day... over and over. Whenever we bring up Max (which is often) we talk about how he is heaven and how he is safe, but I can't help but think... but I wanted him here. I needed him here. I think about how selfish that is for me to say. I went to dinner with some other CDH moms last night (their kids are at Vandy now)and we were talking about how we just wanted our kids to have a good quality of life. And I think that maybe that is why Maxton had to go, because he just wouldn't have been able to overcome everything and might not have had a good quality of life because of it all...And sometimes that does make it easier to think about. I didn't make him stay here only to have a bad life... but in my mind, his life would have been great because I would have made it that way for him. And it is sooo hard to get those dreams for him out of my head. I wonder, when I do have children again, what will my dreams be for them? Will I want to do all the things I had dreamed for Max, or will I not, because those are Max's dreams and I don't want to replace him. It's just hard... I had planned for a baby since July. Sure, i found out in August that something might be wrong.. and confirmed in October.. but I still let myself have dreams for my baby, what mother wouldn't? It's just that the death of those dreams has been hard to take. I am not sure if this is making sense.. I sure hope so, but it is late, and I am tired.. I just can't sleep. I wish I had my Max to hold or feed or something. I know I am going to be okay, and I know that this will get easier, it's just late at night... if only we could skip night time. :-)