One Week

I sit here alone for the first time since Maxton passed. I cannot believe tonight it will have been a week. In some ways it seems like yesterday and in some it seems like a lifetime ago. I wonder, was I ever even pregnant? Was this all a bad dream? Like Marion said, I have the battle scars of pregnancy with no baby to hold. This time last week I was very concerned over my baby and was so fearful that he would pass away, and just a few hours from then that became a reality. I am now a childless mother. Every time someone asks, 'Do you have children?', the question will be bittersweet and the answer will probably make them feel sorry for me, or sorry for asking. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I just want them to learn. To learn to love. To learn to hope. To learn to be a better person. Those are just a few of the things I have learned from this journey. I will always have Maxton in my heart.

Shockingly, I have not been sitting around wondering "why?" I know that Maxton was sent to me for a purpose that he fulfilled. What I don't exactly understand is why he had to be taken. I'm not sure why he couldn't have stayed here and still fulfilled his purpose. One day, I am confident, I will be able to ask God this question, and until then, I have a certain peace about it. A peace that I am sure will grow over the next few days, months, and years. I know my Maxton was loved by multiple people while on this Earth and I know that his death, though untimely, was not in vain. I am forever grateful for you all reading this and sharing it with your friends. I find comfort in knowing that Maxton was able to touch multiple lives, the lives of friends, the lives of strangers. It may sound odd, but it makes me find hope in his death. I am hopeful that those who read this will love their children or family that much more. They won't take as many things for granted. I know that when God decides to bless us with another child, we will certainly be better parents because of Maxton. I cannot say this enough, but Maxton has forever changed my life, my husbands life, and our marriage.

I feel as though I have to mention my CDH friends in this. These women are the most amazing women I know. Regardless of individual outcomes, the women I met through this journey are so strong and inspirational. I have made some forever friends and I am grateful to God for that, as well. I think that God chooses us mothers for a reason. I don't think I am any stronger than any of them. I plan to be a part of this community of love and support for the rest of my life.

Having said all of this, I miss my baby. I wish I was holding him now, or watching him take a nap, or even visiting him at Vanderbilt. I suppose I will always miss him. We had a very nice service for him. Thanks to PJ, my pastor, for making it extra special. It is so surreal to be here... in this place.. somewhere I never thought life would bring me. I see that I am starting to ramble so I will leave you all for now. I intend to continue to post here as it is very therapeutic for me. Read at your own will, as it may make you sad depending on my mood.