Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all the mother's out there, especially those who have lost their children. This weekend was very difficult for me, more so than I expected it to be. I decided to go to Kentucky to be with my mommy and my baby. This was the first time we had been back to Maxton's grave since the week he was buried. The grass has grown out and his things are starting to get worn. It has been 7 weeks and 1 day since my baby has been gone. It is simply not fair that he isn't here to spend the day with me. I mourn for all the things that could have been, and for the reality that is. As I have said numerous times, I know Maxton is safe and not in pain and breathing easily, but I simply miss him. He will always be my son and I will forever be a mommy. It is sad to me that I don't feel like a mother. I never knew the true joy of motherhood. My brief time as a mother was spend with the consuming fear that my child would be taken from me and my only real act as a mother was to tell them to let him go and not put him through more pain. As I listened to speeches from mothers talking about what motherhood is like, I thought " I never did any of that". I think reality of all the things I am missing out on is truly finally starting to sink in. This time next year, I will still likely only have Maxton. When will I get to enjoy motherhood. I miss him so much and most days I am "okay". Most likely, when you are reading this, I am "okay". "Okay" is relatively speaking. I will never be who I used to be and those expecting that person will have to get over it. But, I think I will be "okay". Today was just especially difficult and unless you have been there or are there, then you can't understand. I hope that you never will understand. And, sorry, but if you aren't there or have never been there, then I probably won't want to talk about it with you. I know that you all love me and care, but it is just easier to talk to someone who truly does understand. If I need you, I will call you. :-)