Today it has been 9 months since saying goodbye. Lately, I find myself missing him more. I think this is in part due to the holidays. I LOVE Christmas. I am a Christmas person. I cannot wait to decorate and shop and just simply love being with family. (that doesn't sound very "true meaning", but I love that part too!) This year... it's just not right. He is missing. I should have a child to buy for. He should be here in our Christmas picture. He should be wearing the cheesy cute snowman outfit I bought for him last year when it was on clearance... He should be enjoying his first Christmas. 9 months is the perfect age! Still a baby, but old enough to enjoy it... It's simply not fair! Instead of buying gifts for my baby, I bought things to take to his grave. I am angry and bitter. I feel stupid to have thought that he would be here... I knew he was sick, yet I bought all these things for him last year... and now they sit in our house. A reminder of lost dreams.
I am also upset that I have not been able to successfully conceive again. At this point, it seems like getting pregnant is going to take some time... my horomones are still not normal and are not conducive to a pregnancy. I am going to the doctor to discuss this, but am not sure what to do. I've been taking some natural supplements, so we will see how that works this month,... but to be honest, I am not expecting anything. I keep telling myself that if I am not pregnant by Max's first birthday, I will likely be buying for David only next Christmas too.... my heart is broken and I simply don't know how to fix it...
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- Maxton's Mommy
- David and I have been married since May 28th, 2005. We were blessed with a child, Maxton, born on 3/3/09 with left sided CDH. Maxton fought for 18 days before earning his wings. We are so proud of our little warrior and cannot wait to see him again one day. In the meantime we are learning how to live life as childless parents. We have a great dog, named Charley, who we treat like a child. :-) I am a mental health case manager working with adults with severe and persistent mental illness. David works at Walgreens Pharmacy.
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10 comments:
I love you Ash. I know you are hurting right now, and just know you are not alone. I have an entire room full--clothes, crib, swing, highchair, EVERYTHING waiting for Kaden to come home. I felt like buying all the stuff for him to come home to was my way of telling God I was expecting him to come home. I am angry, too and understand your feelings. I know you will be given another sweet baby that will come home to you and David. Maxton will make sure of it. I love you sooooo much!
I'm so sorry, Ashley. There are so many of us sufferring this week. It's heartbreaking. Ella would be 9 months too like Maxton.
TTC after loss is such a struggle. It took us months, lots of clomid, hcg shots, u/s.... Hang in there. I know it can't come soon enough.
Hugs to you, friend.
I wish I could give you a hug. I don't have any words to lighten the pain, but just know you are not alone. It makes me angry too that I can't buy my Jenna toys instead of flowers and things for her grave. Wishing our babies were here with us.
xoxo
im so sorry for your pain. i want to thank you for sharing your thoughts, your feelings and your heart, and mostly for sharing Max with us. i still think of you often and pray for you. lots of thoughts and blessings sent to you.
God Bless
I think that you having bought all of those things for your precious Maxton was something you needed to do while pregnant! I never bought anything for Kayla and I regret it to this day for being so negative. You are a very strong positive person! Please remember that! I don't know what you are going through but my heart breaks for you! But please stay positive and stress free! I remember trying to get pregnant for Kayla, and it took 2 years! I think it was because I was so stressed that I wasn't pregnant yet! So please, as hard as it may be around the holidays and really just any day, please stay the positive you that I've come to know.
I can so relate to how you feel. I remember at this time last year how excited I was to think of what this year's Christmas would be like with an 8-month-old baby in our family. Freja ended up being born a bit early, so Christmas Day marks her 9-month birthday. It's going to be a very hard day for me to get through....
Wishing you strength and peace... and know that you're not alone..
I am thinking of you and so sorry for your pain. Hoping that the new year brings lots of new beginnings.
Sending you a hug! I love Christmas too but I'm not as into this year as previous years. We did put up some decorations but not as much.
Seems we in a similar position. We haven't been able to conceive yet either. We've been trying since May. If I'm not pregnant by Carleigh's first birthday then I am going to see my dr. I never imagined I wouldn't be pregnant by this point.
Wow Ashley, I guess we were on the same wavelength last night. Thank you for commenting (you're the only one that did). I need the support of the angel moms. I think most of my family and friends are afraid to say anything or just don't read the blog, but that is okay as I see it as a journal for me anyhow. Thank you for being a friend. Feeling very lonely right now... Thinking of you and am feeling all the same things as you... Wish our angels were here with us!
Love you!
--Beth
((hugs)) Ashley things seems to get harder...I washed all of Kasey's clothes I guess that was my way of saying, he will live. I pray that this is your month, have you seen an herbalist? gone the more natural route? I can ask mine a few questions if you'd like... I am here if you need to talk!
Nicolle
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