Happy 6 month birthday Max!

My dear sweet Maxton,
Six months ago Mommy was anxiously awaiting your arrival. I was laying in the hospital bed completely terrified and excited at the same time. I knew that your battle against CDH would be very difficult, but you were my rockstar and I knew that you would be able to do it. I remember getting an epidural and being completely terrified that childbirth would hurt.( Mommy got lucky because she didn’t feel a thing. Grandma had to tell me that you had been born!) I remember being upset because my labor wasn’t progressing and being afraid of a c section.I remember being upset that you might be born on 3/4/09 instead of 3/3/09. (silly, I know!) I remember that when the nurse came to check so that they could put in an internal monitor, I was already 10cm dialted! I remember having to wear oxygen and hating it because it was in my way! I remember laying there still waiting to push because we were waiting for the doctors from the children’s hospital. Annie later told me that she heard my doctors announce “delivery in 2” and then a large swarm of doctors came running in. I was terrified at the last moments before you were born because the swoosh, swoosh of your heart monitor wasn’t swooshing near as loud. I remember Grandma telling me you were born and looking up to see you. You were so purple! I had to ask if you were alive because I honestly thought we had already lost you. I remember looking over my knees and watching them clean you. I remember daddy getting up from his seat (he was waiting to watch you be born, but got pretty pale… yeah, daddy almost fainted, but don’t tell him I told you!) and looking at you. He had this sparkle in his eye- something I hadn’t seen before. I remember he and Grandma going over to take pictures of you while the doctors worked on you to get your breathing tube in. I remember daddy coming back and saying you were the absolute most beautiful thing he had ever seen. I remember watching them wheel you away. I remember being terrified that I might not see you alive again. I remember everything that night so vividly. Maxi, you changed my world and I am forever grateful for that one night, the night I turned into your mommy.
I remember the nurse from the NICU coming back to clean up your area while I waited to deliver the placenta (it took about an hour!). I remember that she told me you were a big boy- 8 pounds, 11 ounces! I remember that she said that you were stabilized enough to move you to the children’s hospital instead of the transition nursery and how this was a good thing! I remember going to my room and waiting to hear about you. I remember calling the children’s hospital and trying to get an update before I went to bed, but they didn’t know yet (or couldn’t put me through to someone who did). I fell asleep waiting to hear about you, and when the doctors called at 4am I was terrified because they had told me they would call in 2 hours, so they were 2 hours late! I remember the doctor telling me you were great! I was so relieved, but cautious because I had read many stories about CDH babies. Mommy never let her guard down. She was so worried about losing you. I remember Grandma wheeling me over to look at you- you were sooo beautiful! You looked like the perfect mix between mommy and daddy. You wiggled you toes when I touched them. You were so precious and I immediately loved everything about you. I just knew you were going to make it.
I remember on Day 3, when Mommy was getting ready to be discharged, getting a call saying they may have to put you on ECMO. I was SO upset and scared. I remember signing the ECMO papers and the doctors telling us that it would take about an hour. Twenty minutes later they came to get us- I was TERRIFIED! I was so afraid you were gone. They told us that they were able to stabilize you, but didn’t really expect you to make it- that the next 24 hours, if you had an “episode” there was nothing they could do. That you didn’t qualify for ECMO because of your brain bleed. I remember the look on daddy’s face. I will never forget it. But you proved those doctors wrong! You lived for many days, when they had doubted you would have them. I knew you were my hero. You are and always will be! I will be forever grateful for those days you proved those doctors wrong. In the end when God called you home, mommy didn’t want to let go! Mommy had so many dreams for you, but God had bigger plans. I still don’t know why you can’t be here for your 6 month birthday. Why we can’t be outside playing instead of me standing outside alone at your grave, but I do know that I love you. I will always love you. People will know you. People will love you. You will forever be a part of me and daddy and we will always celebrate your amazing life! Miss you sweetie. I would give anything to kiss your sweet baby face right now and have you giggle and pull on my hair. Happy 6 month birthday!!!! Know that mommy has so many memories of you that she will always cherish on your special days!

Love Always,
Mommy